For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
