Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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