walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
