If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
