its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
NoShamevember. You game?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
