i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
