You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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