My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
