Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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