is your mom at the bar?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
