I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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