i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
