im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
