hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize