I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
