My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
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