My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
