I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
