She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
