your parents love me but you hate me
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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