if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
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