Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
