so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
