So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
