My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
