What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?
630.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
