Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Randomize
