Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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