Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
