she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
