The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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