Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Come share oat with me in your robe
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
