why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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