I just figured it out. Meghan has the same smile as Sylvester Stallone.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
