Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
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