i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
