Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
