i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
