I got chris browned last night
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
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