her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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