I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize