i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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