I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I think i got beer on your cat.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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