I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Randomize
