Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize