I met the friendliest cop last night
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
