After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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