woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
