Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Randomize
