when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
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