How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
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