I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
