i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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