I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize