mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
