your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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