today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
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